Tomorrow is September 1st. Though autumn does not officially begin until September 23rd, I definitely feel like today was the last day of summer.
The first day of my school’s orientation is tomorrow, and tomorrow will be Peter’s first day of day care. Today was my last day as a stay-at-home mother. One chapter of our lives ends, another one begins.
I wish I were more excited about starting school. I’m sure that day care will be a good experience for Peter, and I know that I’m making a good career decision by pursuing a pharmacy degree, but honestly, I wish I could just fast-forward through the next three years.
Day care is not cheap, Son’s job is not particularly stable, and I’m taking on huge student loans to pursue this degree. It’s a financial house of cards that should become stable once I get a job, but I’ll be biting my nails until then. It would also help if Son landed a better-paying job, but a better-paying job will probably mean a long daily commute to the Boston area.
I tried to put aside my worries and enjoy my last few days home with Peter. We went to play group at Mothers and Company for the last time on Monday. We walked the Rail Trail and visited West Boylston’s playground for the first time yesterday. Peter grinned and laughed as he swung in a big-kid swing for the first time, filling my heart with joy. I wish that moment could last forever.
I took Peter on one last special mom-and-baby excursion today: a trip to the EcoTarium in Worcester. Peter enjoyed seeing the turtles and otters and birds. He loved playing in the Preschool Discovery Area. He liked the nature trails and the playground and the wall of spinning pinwheels and the bubbles. After four hours at the EcoTarium, Peter was exhausted, and he fell asleep on the car ride home.
If I update this blog less frequently in the coming months, it will be because I’m busy studying. Although I enjoy school, it has caused me a lot of stress over the years. School can be very time-consuming and tiring when you have perfectionist tendencies. I hope I will be able to balance motherhood, my marriage, and this 3-year pharmacy apprenticeship without too much difficulty.
Perhaps it will be better when I’m busy with schoolwork – I’ll have less time to worry about the future. Right now, my anxieties have me feeling conflicted. On the one hand, I want to savor and enjoy Peter’s childhood, but on the other hand, I want to fast-forward through the next three years of school.
Hopefully, our budget will balance, and I’ll have enough time to be a good student, good wife, and good mother. But if the budget doesn’t balance, I’ll just have to take more student loans. And if I don’t have enough time to be “good”, I’ll just have to satisfy myself with being “good enough.” It’s a blessing to have so many opportunities, but I can’t be everything to everyone all the time.